Real-life Job Conversations: Part 3

Today's RLJC took place entirely inside my head. (What? You don't talk to yourself when you're bored?) I was in a local Raley's, trying to distribute little cups of off-brand breakfast cereal. People don't get excited about real Corn Chex, so you can imagine how thrilled they were about this knock-off variety.

Customers blew past me as if I was invisible. It was like I was begging for food, instead of giving it away. This happens whenever my supervisor assigns me a boring demo product. I don't take it personally, but it means the shift drags on forever because there's no chance of a distracting conversation. Except in my own head, as follows:

Bored me: I can't believe I have to stand here for 5 more hours.

Vegan me: I can't believe the store manager put me in the meat aisle. Not only do I have to stand here for 5 more hours, but I have to stare at plastic-wrapped packages of sausage and bacon. So gross.

Bored me: Those packages of chorizo are upside down. That is making me crazy. I can't stare at that for 5 hours. I have to go flip them right side up.

Vegan me: Are you serious? You're going to face the meat aisle? Why? So more customers will buy the pretty dead animals?

Bored me: I don't condone eating meat. It's just annoying to look at. Here, just let me put them back. [Fixes chorizo display and runs back to post.]

Vegan me: I cannot believe you just did that. Did you learn nothing from all those PETA videos we watched in college? Meat is murder.

Bored me: I know. I won't do it anymore. I'll just stand here and let people ignore me and my cereal and I... Agggh! That lady just put the bacon back on the wrong shelf.

Vegan me: Don't go fix it. Don't!

Bored me: I can't help it! [Replaces bacon and straightens hot links.] It was all out of order.

Vegan me: When I get off work, I'm researching OCD on the internet.

Bored me: Right after multiple personality disorder.

Vegan me: Right.

Real-life Job Conversations: Part 2

This summer I had a temporary job in the admissions kiosk at the lake near my house. I spent most of my work hours reading, playing ukulele and trying to keep the Canada geese from running onto the road. Occasionally, I would actually take money from visitors. These transactions usually took about 15 seconds: Someone drives up and hands me $3. I say, "Have a great day!" in a ridiculously chirpy voice. They drive away. End scene.

One afternoon, a man arrived in a black Camaro loaded with fishing gear. He clearly wanted to pay me, but couldn't seem to get his wallet out of his pants--probably because he was holding an open beer in one hand.

As I watched him fumbling with wallet and bills, pausing now and again to sip from the sweating aluminum can, I vacillated between chiding him for driving with an open container and simply offering to hold it for him.

I don't take drinking and driving lightly, but what authority did I have? I was a temporary employee earning minimum wage. Even my parks department polo shirt was on loan. I reasoned that he was probably going to fish for several hours, which would give him a chance to sober up. Still, he was so casual about beer behind the wheel, I felt I had to say something. Hence, today's short and sweet RLJC #2.

Me: Are you actually drinking beer while driving?

Man: Oh! [looks at can in his hand with mild surprise] Well, it’s Coors Light.

Me: Which is beer, right?

Man: Barely. [finally hands me $3] Besides, I only opened it just now.

Me: Fair enough. Have a good day!

Real-life Job Conversations: Part 1

I quit full-time journalism a couple of years ago to experiment with a new strategy: working relatively mindless part-time jobs to free up my brain for creative writing projects. Since then, I've paid the bills by packaging books for a mail-order company, handing out food samples in supermarkets, selling organic soda, manning the admissions gate at a lake near my house, buying and re-selling used clothes, making nachos at a concessions stand, and a number of other gigs on the less-glamorous side of the employment spectrum.

This has given me more time for writing - especially because I have much less money to go out with. It's also brought me a new appreciation for the bizarre interactions that happen in customer service. Thus, I present to you the first in an occasional Fool's Compass series: Real-life Job Conversations.

Today's RLJC takes place in a Raley's supermarket in Placerville, CA. I was distributing free scoops of Ciao Bella chocolate hazelnut gelato when an elderly woman approached my table...



Woman: [stares at the samples on my table] What is it?

Me: It's Ciao Bella gelato. This is the chocolate hazelnut flavor.

Woman: But what is it?

Me: It's gelato. It's like Italian ice cream.

Woman: But what is it?

Me: Ice cream. It's just ice cream.

Woman: What do you do with it?

Me: What do you do with ice cream? Well, it's a dessert. You know, ice cream?

Woman: But what is it?

Me: It's ice cream. It's... um, a frozen dessert. It's sweet.

Woman: But what...

Me: [interrupting] Do you want to try it?

Woman: OK. [takes a bite] Eww! It's cold!

Me: Um, I think it's time for my break now, so ... yeah.