See what had happened was...

I haven't updated Fool's Compass in forever. A whole summer. A lifetime in the blogosphere.

I needed a break from writing about India. I fell in love with India when I lived there last winter. More specifically, I fell in love WHILE in India, with a wonderful man I've been too shy to write about here. Then, while spending this summer in California working three jobs and studying Hindi and dreaming only of getting back to him, I fell out of love.

That's not it. There is still love. It's more like I fell out of faith. I could not figure out how to make us work on a practical level. The gap between cultures, languages, and shared dreams is just too large. I can't become someone I'm not -- even as much as I might want to, even for love.

My heart realized this before I did. After I'd been home a few months, I began waking up with tears in my eyes, before I'd even had any conscious thoughts. I sobbed my way through several long-distance phone calls to Himalayan landscapes, much to the confusion of my beloved. "But how will it work?" I'd ask over and over across a crackling phone line. "What will I do there? What will you do here?"

And then, at some point, all the crying stopped. Everything inside me felt still and heavy. I knew it was over. My dream, the love I was throwing all my resources into nourishing, had died. Without my consent.

I no longer found comfort in recounting my India stories here, once I knew I would not return. I retreated into the soothing inactivity of movies and television. I retraced my past with old friends. I rediscovered the American magic of rock shows, frozen yogurt, county fairs, and vintage sundresses. I taught myself to play the ukulele. I read trashy novels and took road trips.

All the while, I wondered, "What on earth am I going to do now?" I kept working my temp jobs and nodding vaguely when people asked about my travel plans.

Now my temp jobs are over. My bank account is full and my plans are uncertain. Thankfully, my heart is lighter. It's been a rough summer, but I've come out the other side with a story to tell. It's a love story. A travel story, about a female adventurer in exotic lands. And it's a true story. My favorite kind.